“Little girl is not little” or “Have you got this addiction?”

Have you ever had some addiction? For anything: episode of your fav series( you are spending nights, bcs you really wanna know what it’s gonna be next), some food(cakes, chocolate, hummus or cheese), cigarettes(I bet all smokers have experienced it when they tried to stop it) alcohol for drugs( that’s kinda extreme ones, but I guess somebody has already faced it). Everybody knows that addictions are never healthy: it can never be good if smth is too much. Here I want to talk about addiction to people.

I have experienced this addiction on my own skin: moreover, I was a person’s addiction as well. So basically I know what is happening with both sides and how bad it can turn out. Both of these stories are not ending with the happy end: I will not believe that for anybody they are finishing with a happy end. Unhealthy relationships have never led to that. 

You have already understood that I am talking about unhealthy love? I have experienced both and happy that my unhealthy addiction brought me to my real happiness. So I will not talk about love, when you are actually developing each other, feeling like parts of one person and want to become old together with kids and grandkids around. Relationships when both people are doing all possible and impossible to work on what they have, they are ready to step aside to another person, sacrifice smth, bcs the happiness of each other is a goal. I am talking about the cases when one of two people is a slave of another one.

Probably it started as a fairytale. He was texting you always, caring about your health, cooking for you when you were coming home tired and exhausted from your stressful work, listening to your constant blablabla and you were feeling like a queen. He basically made you fall in love. And you did.

You were having this amazing time together: it was a fairytale. You were extremely happy. I guess that time both of you were feeling this euphoria. Maybe that time both of you haven’t thought about this unhealthy thing that will happen after.

Sometimes this unhealthy addiction is starting without this first stage and then I am feeling sorry for people: they got crap without even sweet chocolate before. From the other side, maybe, in that case, it’s easier to cure of addiction as you don’t have any pink memories and it is easier to understand that person doesn’t have any feeling to you anymore.

Then after this sweet time, the reality is coming. Once you are making a bit more effort than usual. You are calming yourself down with a phrase:” we are both working on our relationship, so now it’s my time to work on it a bit more”. Then it happens again. And again. And again. You are not noticing how you are becoming this person that is doing everything.

You are always the person to text first, person to initiate any meetings. You are building your plans according to his plans. You are jumping around him as you are basically not worth anything. Your day is going according to him. Your mood is jumping from everything is awful ( if he will not text), and super duper happy( if he would react on your message). You forgot all your principles, rules and laws of normal behavior: he is the king in your mind and all the bad things that he is doing immediately vanishing with one good word. Your friends look at you like you are crazy: they are trying to tell you what is going on, trying to save you, but you know this: you are tricking yourself and you like living in this universe that you have imagined.

But then the crucial moment is coming. The moment that you can’t avoid, can’t neglect. For example, when you are going to the bar and seeing him kissing another girl. And when you are asking: wtf?-he is answering: but we have never had anything serious. You are having a big talk with him, you are crying a lot, you are seeing how all your dreams are collapsing: all your dreams, hopes, memories, precious moments are shit. You are finally opening your eyes. 

You are trying to forgive him. You are trying to find him millions of excuses. You are calming yourself down with the thought that he will understand and come back to you. You are pretending that everything is all right while you can’t eat/ sleep/ live: you are just existing. 

After this addiction, you are getting tougher skin: you are not trusting people anymore. Your heart is a battlefield: there is no place where you can start planting smth else. Especially when you are getting to know that he is super happy with that girl that he changed you for. It is difficult to recover, difficult not to hate him. But the time is coming when you don’t give a fuck.

He doesn’t bother you anymore. You don’t care. Some people can even retain this good feeling to the person: especially when both of them were having magic at the first stage. But the main thing is that you are treating all this pain as an experience: the experience that you will probably never repeat. 

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Lydia

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