“Suitcases of the past” or “How to stop being in relationshit and start relationship”

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This day you told yourself: I am not falling in love anymore, I need some time for myself.

This day it was raining and you forgot your umbrella. You were standing under the roof of a local grocery store with millions of bags(that definitely weighted more than you do) and just asking the sky why you left the house especially when it started raining cats and dogs. You were standing and blaming yourself: “It is the second week in a new country and you still don’t have a cellphone: so no calling your friends that would definitely  pick you up; nobody is around to help you: but they would not help you anyway as you can’t speak their language as in this suburbs nobody is speaking English. At some point, you decided that it’s time to put the bags down as they are too heavy and one of them just fell: all your fruit started running from you as you were the greatest disaster of humanity. ” Amazing!”- with the feeling that this day can’t be worse, you started picking up apples and then you heard a deep low voice. You raised your eyes and saw a tall guy with sky blue eyes. ” F*ck- it was the first thought that came up to your mind” You knew that you had been caught. You knew that your today “i-am-not-falling-in-love-anymore” just had drowned: like a Titanic it struck the iceberg of these blue eyes and was sinking with the speed of the light.

He took your WhatsApp number: he wrote you the same evening. You started texting, talking about everything and nothing. You were telling yourself that it’s just fun.

After some time he asked you for a coffee.  For sure, you said yes. For sure, you were preparing for this coffee-date as it was your prom: changed the clothes a hundred times, sent so many pics to your girl-friends that it seems like you got approvals from all of the universe. You were nervous, but as fast as you came to that cafe all your nervousness disappeared: you were feeling comfortable with him, you were feeling yourself. The first rings of your experience have started ringing.

You got amazing time: you went for a couple of dinners, strolls in parks, more coffee dates- a lot of talking, kissing at some point. Then it was the time of the dinner at his place: both of you didn’t expect just food. You came back in the morning with the big smile on your face.

The time is passing: you spent more and more time together. You are trying to calm yourself down that people are different and this guy will not fuck you up: nevertheless with one step forward, you do five steps backward.

You are telling everybody that you are single while you are definitely not: your plans are directly connected with his plans, you ignore your friends if you could spend more time with each other, you did a couple weekends trips to other countries, just two of you. You are holding hands, kissing in every corner,- you don’t need anything in the world when you are together.

You feel like in a paradise, but you can’t talk with him about the things that should be discussed in the very beginning. You need to figure out for yourself who you are and what he feels: he is your favorite type- he is poker facing almost all the time. And you are just unable to talk: this suitcase of the past is hitting you every time when you are about to open your mouth. The pictures of your previous relationshit are just shown in your mind while you want to become closer to him. You remembered how happy you were with that another guy, you remembered how it hurt when you broke up and started behaving like you are just good acquaintances. You remembered that nights when you were crying, remembered your constant guessing: your broke up was a necessity and you just didn’t talk as both of you were scared, even though both of you would like to try something at the distance.

You are afraid of being dependent. You are afraid of getting into this love trap. You are afraid of showing your vulnerability. This experience when people were breaking up your heart with any regrets is like an annoying alarm in the morning: it sounds every 5 minutes and as fast as you are switching off the first one, the second one is about to turn on.

And you are cutting him off. You are stopping answering his messages, you are becoming cold. You are going to the parties and finding the guys for one night stand. Meaningless sex for clearing up your mind: you believe that it is a solution. There are no emotions involved, so no pain is predicted in the forecast of your life.

If you are not a supporter of the one-night-stand, you are just trying to be busy: you are exhausting yourself that you would not have time to think, even a second, about it. You are taking pills to fall asleep, becoming gym freak or workaholic, or wine is becoming your best friend

These suitcases of the past are getting heavier and heavier with every year. The main thing is to be able to lift them and go to the next flight. You should do it yourself: nobody is able to do it for you. It doesn’t mean that you will not be hurt: you will be and not one time. But you shouldn’t be scared of them: you should learn your lesson and continue, continue, continue.

Live, smile, cry,-but don’t close yourself from the entire world.